Dear IWantToConvertThisRecipeforaSmallerBatchofCookies,

What are you thinking? Math? You haven't successfully used math skills in 6+ years. Just because you are missing a significant amount of a significant ingredient, doesn't mean you can magically convert the entire recipe to make a fourth of a batch. Your delicious espresso cookies just became mounds of chocolate and coffee. Here's a hint: 1/4 of 3 tbls ≠ 2.25 tbls. Ever. Next time, how about too much sugar instead of too much espresso.

Also, how genius of you to eat all that (strong) coffee the night before your work week starts. You'll never sleep again.


♥,
C.

Dear Grammatically Challenged,

I know I am a far-from-perfect writer and my verbal grammar is even more of a disaster, but let me clarify something for you--

"I could care less" isn't the phrase you are looking for. It means you do care. Sure, it doesn't imply that you care a significant amount, but regardless, there is room for you to "care less."

"I couldn't care less" is what you mean. Care factor: absolutely zero. You couldn't possibly care any less because there is nothing less than how much you care!

Yes, certain Ivy League folks have argued  that Option 1 is being clever, witty, and other nonsense. But let's be real, even if it were true that some people use it in this way to be ironic, you did not know about this... you used to phrase because you thought it was correct.

Given your position and the context in which you used the phrase, I'm assuming you were some kind of journalism or lit major. For some reason this makes the entire situation way more sad for me. The college kids of your generation are the reason the college kids of mine are jobless.



♥,
C.

Dear ALB,

I finally mailed your letter.

You should be getting it in about 2 weeks, depending on how fast the ponies feel like trotting. 

♥ ♥ ♥ ,
C.

Dear Married Men,

Here's the thing...

No.

♥,
C.

Dear Readers,

I sat at my computer for forever trying to think of something clever, witty, or at the very, very least, a little funny. Every time my fingers tapped on the keys, something bitter and sad (and let's be honest-- slightly offensive) fills up the screen.

The irony is, even though I have two very terrible jobs that still can't give me enough money every week for rent and other necessities, I'm in a really great mood today! I'm slurping up a milkshake with a side of sweet tea and chillin' in a place that is decorated with SEE ROCK CITY birdhouses and is ripping out all the oldies, stirring up some serious nostalgia of Richard Simmon's work out vids that my g-ma used to do with bottles of cream soda. In other words, I'm in my own weird... and incredibly Southern... version of Heaven.

I'm satisfied that this note wasn't as bitter as the one I trashed about marriage to the guy at work... and the one to my ex bashing his old/new lover. Now, let's go work for nothing! YEAH!

♥,
C.

Dear Meat Guy,

The way to my heart is not singing "I LOVE YOU" to the tune of "Take on Me" every time I walk by. You creep me out, and I'm never sure how to respond. Just leave me alone... I'm after Produce Guy, anyway.



♥,
C.

Dear Conversation Practicer,

Always, always say what you have practiced. If necessary, take a deep breath to calm yourself down before you open your mouth. I know you freak out in social situations, but I can't stress this enough-- it's crucial that you say exactly what sounds good in your head.

"I can't do my job without you doing yours" is way different than "I can't do my job without you."

And

"You were in this dream I had last night" is way safer than "I had this dream about you last night." (Especially if someone, like a teacher, is dropping eaves.)



♥,
C.