Dear General Public,

College students really are poor. Sure, not all of them, but the large majority of the collegiate population can barely afford to eat a full meal and sleep comfortably at night. Neither of these would be possible if it were not already added into our tuition. So, when you ask me for money in the elevator of my workplace (a place where you should not be, anyway, let alone be there and be asking people to pay your "bus fare"), and I very nicely explain that I do not have any because I am a poor college kid, do not go off on a digression about rich kids you went to junior high with. It's free to go to public school, so of course people there have money. Here, on a college campus, every dime I make is somehow reciprocated back to Vanderbilt for my education. That means I won't be paying for your bus trip (real or not) because I can't even afford to eat! But maybe you should just enroll in college. Then, though you will still be as poor as you are now, you can ride the bus for free.

♥,

C.

PS Don't ever call me sweetheart. My grandfather was the only person allowed to use that sentiment, and I'm probably gonna punch the next person who says it. Consider yourself warned. :)

Dear Everyone Who Responds to My Emails,

When I send you an email, my name appears at the from/sender line. Just in case that isn't enough I also add my name to the bottom of the email to provide a personal touch. And for a professional grand finale, my emails are always finished with my physical work address and email (which includes my name), preceded by what? My first and last name. Every time I write my name or it is signed in an email from me, it is spelled correctly. How hard is it to glance down at it, or check the spelling in the "to" line to make sure it is correct when you respond to my messages?! I take personal offense. Sure, many people can not pronounce my name, but there are usually legit reasons (e.g. the person is illiterate, they know someone with a similar name pronounced slightly different, etc.), but there is no reason to misspell my name when it is written correctly several times in your message window! 

♥,

C.

Dear VU,

The celebrity dopplegängers are starting to be hazardous to my health. My heart stopped when I saw Wil Wheaton. I almost tripped when I passed Jared Rigsby at my dorm. But the icing on the cake was when I almost laughed myself to death because Robert De Niro cut me off at Branscomb.

,

C.

Dear Oak Ridge Citizens,

Please obey the traffic laws. Then the red light/speed enforcement cameras will stop being profitable, at which time I will listen to you whine about them. Until then, if you would like to be reminded that a red light = stop, I'd be happy to set up an appointment for you to meet my four year old. He also recognizes the number on the speed limit signs: 35. 

,

C.

Dear Southern Gentlemen,

You keep holding open doors, I'll keep saying thank you, and we'll never move north. 

,

C.

Dear AN,

If there was an award for most annoying person on the internet, you'd definitely win. I would rather be surrounded by annoying kids and their creepy parents than reading your updates.

,

C.

Dear PG,

You recently wrote: Someday, you'll be reading my books.

Here is my response: No, I will not. Even if you managed to publish something in my genre instead of just documenting your ridiculous romance dreams, your grammar is ridiculous. I will never read anything you write... unless I need to make fun of someone to make myself feel better.

,

C.