Dear Ladies w/ Giant Sunglasses,

I have a hard enough time recognizing people that I'm supposed to know (mostly because I'm trying to forget them). So don't be offended when I don't even pretend to be excited about "running in to you here" because I can't figure out who you are. If you didn't have those giant frames wrapped around your face, maybe I could be held a little more accountable, but as it is... you're just gonna have to forgive me if the name that pops into my head isn't Tiffany... It's Mr. Wonka.


♥,
C.

Dear WannaBe Thug,

I thought it was cute how you left me a note with your digits on my scooter after you left the store. And okay, sure, I loved the Bob Marley conversation we had. But here's the thing... you were trying way too hard to be gansta... and well, the guy I'm seeing actually is black. Awkward.

Valiant effort though. One Love.

♥,
C.

Dear Former Coworkers,

I have accepted the fact that I'll have to see you on a semi-regular basis because of the nature of my job and your financial situation. To be honest, when I left with such short notice (which actually managed to turn in to an immediate notice), I really thought I'd never see you again, especially since I was planning to leave town in a few months. Regardless, here we are. Face to face, every other week. And yes, now you know that I didn't run out on my other job. And no, I cannot really explain why I abandoned because it would take the rest of my life (and all of the available space in a secret blog post). And maybe I will be staying in this city after all that drama, but I assure you, I still could not afford to stay. I'm still incredibly impressed with how awkward it was to see you so shortly after my time at the hospital had ended. But for future reference, let's just establish the rules now.

You: stand there patiently and talk to a few of my current coworkers.

Me: do my job and completely ignore you.


♥,
C.

Spicing It Up

We are diverting from the letter format so that I can relate this story in the best way possible: as it actually happened. As ALB so awesomely says, "Names have been changed, but only to protect the identity of the very, very guilty."

Me: Mellow, are you sure you want to eat this habanero?
Mellow: Yeah! It'll be great!
Me: Well I really don't think you should, but okay...
Mellow: *HUGE BITE OF PEPPER*
...several seconds pass...
Me: Was it hot?
Mellow: No.
Me: Are you sure...? Because your face is turning red. And you are crying.
Mellow: I think that was the hottest thing I've ever put in my mouth.

At this point, I honestly thought I needed to call a doctor. He couldn't talk. His face was so red. It looked so painful. He ate some cheese, I bought him some milk, and after several moments of questionable doubt, Mellow was fine.


I laughed the entire time.


Stay cool out there ladies and gents.

♥,
C.

Dear IWantToConvertThisRecipeforaSmallerBatchofCookies,

What are you thinking? Math? You haven't successfully used math skills in 6+ years. Just because you are missing a significant amount of a significant ingredient, doesn't mean you can magically convert the entire recipe to make a fourth of a batch. Your delicious espresso cookies just became mounds of chocolate and coffee. Here's a hint: 1/4 of 3 tbls ≠ 2.25 tbls. Ever. Next time, how about too much sugar instead of too much espresso.

Also, how genius of you to eat all that (strong) coffee the night before your work week starts. You'll never sleep again.


♥,
C.

Dear Grammatically Challenged,

I know I am a far-from-perfect writer and my verbal grammar is even more of a disaster, but let me clarify something for you--

"I could care less" isn't the phrase you are looking for. It means you do care. Sure, it doesn't imply that you care a significant amount, but regardless, there is room for you to "care less."

"I couldn't care less" is what you mean. Care factor: absolutely zero. You couldn't possibly care any less because there is nothing less than how much you care!

Yes, certain Ivy League folks have argued  that Option 1 is being clever, witty, and other nonsense. But let's be real, even if it were true that some people use it in this way to be ironic, you did not know about this... you used to phrase because you thought it was correct.

Given your position and the context in which you used the phrase, I'm assuming you were some kind of journalism or lit major. For some reason this makes the entire situation way more sad for me. The college kids of your generation are the reason the college kids of mine are jobless.



♥,
C.

Dear ALB,

I finally mailed your letter.

You should be getting it in about 2 weeks, depending on how fast the ponies feel like trotting. 

♥ ♥ ♥ ,
C.

Dear Married Men,

Here's the thing...

No.

♥,
C.

Dear Readers,

I sat at my computer for forever trying to think of something clever, witty, or at the very, very least, a little funny. Every time my fingers tapped on the keys, something bitter and sad (and let's be honest-- slightly offensive) fills up the screen.

The irony is, even though I have two very terrible jobs that still can't give me enough money every week for rent and other necessities, I'm in a really great mood today! I'm slurping up a milkshake with a side of sweet tea and chillin' in a place that is decorated with SEE ROCK CITY birdhouses and is ripping out all the oldies, stirring up some serious nostalgia of Richard Simmon's work out vids that my g-ma used to do with bottles of cream soda. In other words, I'm in my own weird... and incredibly Southern... version of Heaven.

I'm satisfied that this note wasn't as bitter as the one I trashed about marriage to the guy at work... and the one to my ex bashing his old/new lover. Now, let's go work for nothing! YEAH!

♥,
C.

Dear Meat Guy,

The way to my heart is not singing "I LOVE YOU" to the tune of "Take on Me" every time I walk by. You creep me out, and I'm never sure how to respond. Just leave me alone... I'm after Produce Guy, anyway.



♥,
C.

Dear Conversation Practicer,

Always, always say what you have practiced. If necessary, take a deep breath to calm yourself down before you open your mouth. I know you freak out in social situations, but I can't stress this enough-- it's crucial that you say exactly what sounds good in your head.

"I can't do my job without you doing yours" is way different than "I can't do my job without you."

And

"You were in this dream I had last night" is way safer than "I had this dream about you last night." (Especially if someone, like a teacher, is dropping eaves.)



♥,
C.

Dear Joshua,

You should tear SB's bracelet off. I know you're tired of seeing that bright orange thing day after day after day. Do us all a favor.

♥,
C.

PS- A double-decker cheese sandwich is pretty gross. You should have that looked at.

Dear Readers,

So I've been laying low for quite some time. I'm trying to adjust to a new lifestyle and a new town. This has really been a dream of mine for some time, and now I'm living it out. It's crazy and weird, and every now and then, I think I'm not gonna make it. However, so far, the move to Chattanooga has been one of the easiest transitions ever. Easy because it involves exactly what I've written so far. Laying low, being crazy and weird (those things come so natural!), basically having not one care in the world. Well, almost...

Anyway, to keep you interested in me and to explain the "almost", ALB has allowed me to be a guest blogger this week on "Life Is Like That". Such an honor. If you're not already reading LILT on a regular basis, you are missing out on the best blog in the www. So what are you waiting for! GO!

♥,
C.

Dear SR,

I'm glad you had fun at the after-party last night, but you should consider showering before coming to class. You smell like sex and liquor.

♥, 
C.

Dear Super Annoying Guys,

Today is Wednesday, which is soon to be renamed Hell Day. Translated: I'm in class all day. I don't have time to talk to you, so leave me the hell alone. I'm not answering your messages on Wednesdays. And even if it's Thursday, I will never call you.

♥, 
C.

Dear KG,

If you have time to go for ice cream, take two hours just to dance, and put all your work off for Sunday, then you should stop trying to sympathize with my stress level. You don't understand, or you would be sitting at your computer wondering which exam to study for and which to fail, like me.

Also, I know where you really went tonight... what is up with the secrecy? You can't hide these things from us.

♥, 
C.

Dear Breakfast Dude,

I also like to people watch while I sit by myself in the cafeteria for breakfast, but you have to make it look casual. What you're doing is called "staring me down".... What's your problem dude?

♥, 
C.

Dear "Christians,"

I'm not going to lie. Lately, I've been ashamed to call myself a Christian. It's not that I'm embarrassed that I believe in God, or Creation, or Jesus' birth, death, and resurrection. I would gladly tell anyone who asks (and some who don't), what I believe. No, instead I'm ashamed of being categorized with other so-called Christians. I do not want people to lump me in a category of those who can only be called hypocrites. To be frank, I think God is probably quite embarrassed, too. 

As you can probably already tell, this post is going to be offensive. And  it's about homosexuality. If you can't handle these topics, do us both a favor and just stop reading, but let's be honest, if you feel like you need to stop here, this post was actually directed at you. I never, ever talk politics. I hate disturbing the peace.This is not political. I'm not taking sides in any debate. I just want to bring your attention to something. The peace was already absent. If you thought we were living in peace, you've been just as naive as I have. It's time to wake up.

Like I said, I'm not taking sides on anything. I just want to show you something. This is not about looking at reasons for or against homosexuality. I think the recent wave of suicides (actually, I call it mass murder, but whatever) due to bullying calls for a response. Of love. 

We Christians like to talk about how Jesus spent time with the people that religious zealots would have nothing to do with. Personally, I think we talk about it so much because we like knowing He would've been hanging out with "us" instead of "them."  But how do you think that translates to today's time period? If Jesus was here tonight, who would he be having dinner with? It's pretty easy to translate at least two groups because they exist today like they did then: the prostitutes and the poor. So, yeah, of course he would've had dinner with the ladies down on Magnolia and hung out at the shelter. Don't you ever stop to think of why? It was not just because of their social status. Zacchaeus was the opposite of the poor dudes at the shelter. Mary and Martha certainly weren't prostitutes. So what is it? Why did Jesus eat with such a variety of people?

God loves everyone.

Love should be the biggest message we, as Christians, put forth. I don't care where you get your Biblical references for why homosexuality is a sin (Old Testament, New Testament, Version A or B), Jesus said LOVE is the greatest commandment. It's important to note who said this: It wasn't Moses, or Paul, or Mary. It was God in the flesh! Sin happens when you break the rules, God's rules. So if we have the greatest commandment here (in case you missed it: LOVE), what must be the greatest sin? The absence of love. 

At this point you might be like, "Oh, I'm definitely off the hook. I don't hate anyone." I didn't say anything about hate. Sure hate is bad, sinful, whatever, too, but not hating someone does not mean you love them. Love is a verb, guys. A verb is an action.

If you take nothing else from this, please hear me right now: Love is an action. It requires movement. You have to DO something! 

Please, lives are being taken. This is murder, guys; it's serious. At this point, we are beyond political debate. Now, I'm through being naive; I know we can never have complete peace. But we can make a difference. Starting now. Wear your heart on your sleeve; put love into action. 

♥,
C.

Dear (the other) TB,

What are you doing?! The first time you creep'd into my favorite cafe was bad, but when you commented on my presentation, you won a few points back, even though it was seriously awkward. But today, there was no reason for you to stop and wave before you left. None at all. If you hadn't dropped the WB, I probably would've thought this was cute. Now, you're just a creeper. Keep your pretty blue eyes on your wife.

♥,
C.

Dear VB,

Here's how it's gonna go down. I'm gonna learn to understand Russian. When we meet in the hallways at work, you can speak to me in your native language, and I will speak in mine. The goal is to reduce the awkwardness in our encounters by removing/minimizing the language barrier. I like you a lot, you are my favorite older doctor in the building, and we need to do everything we can to reduce awkwardness. But let's face it: the level will never be zero, what with you stealing my m&ms, thinking I'm rich because I go out of town so often, having to occasionally share my desk, etc. But at least neither of us will feel like we have to take different routes to avoid seeing each other after we've already had one (awesome but) awkward encounter, which I'm pretty sure happened because you spent the first few minutes trying to figure out how to exchange appropriate pleasantries in the weirdest language ever: English. 

♥, 
C.