Dear Ladies w/ Giant Sunglasses,

I have a hard enough time recognizing people that I'm supposed to know (mostly because I'm trying to forget them). So don't be offended when I don't even pretend to be excited about "running in to you here" because I can't figure out who you are. If you didn't have those giant frames wrapped around your face, maybe I could be held a little more accountable, but as it is... you're just gonna have to forgive me if the name that pops into my head isn't Tiffany... It's Mr. Wonka.


♥,
C.

Dear WannaBe Thug,

I thought it was cute how you left me a note with your digits on my scooter after you left the store. And okay, sure, I loved the Bob Marley conversation we had. But here's the thing... you were trying way too hard to be gansta... and well, the guy I'm seeing actually is black. Awkward.

Valiant effort though. One Love.

♥,
C.

Dear Former Coworkers,

I have accepted the fact that I'll have to see you on a semi-regular basis because of the nature of my job and your financial situation. To be honest, when I left with such short notice (which actually managed to turn in to an immediate notice), I really thought I'd never see you again, especially since I was planning to leave town in a few months. Regardless, here we are. Face to face, every other week. And yes, now you know that I didn't run out on my other job. And no, I cannot really explain why I abandoned because it would take the rest of my life (and all of the available space in a secret blog post). And maybe I will be staying in this city after all that drama, but I assure you, I still could not afford to stay. I'm still incredibly impressed with how awkward it was to see you so shortly after my time at the hospital had ended. But for future reference, let's just establish the rules now.

You: stand there patiently and talk to a few of my current coworkers.

Me: do my job and completely ignore you.


♥,
C.

Spicing It Up

We are diverting from the letter format so that I can relate this story in the best way possible: as it actually happened. As ALB so awesomely says, "Names have been changed, but only to protect the identity of the very, very guilty."

Me: Mellow, are you sure you want to eat this habanero?
Mellow: Yeah! It'll be great!
Me: Well I really don't think you should, but okay...
Mellow: *HUGE BITE OF PEPPER*
...several seconds pass...
Me: Was it hot?
Mellow: No.
Me: Are you sure...? Because your face is turning red. And you are crying.
Mellow: I think that was the hottest thing I've ever put in my mouth.

At this point, I honestly thought I needed to call a doctor. He couldn't talk. His face was so red. It looked so painful. He ate some cheese, I bought him some milk, and after several moments of questionable doubt, Mellow was fine.


I laughed the entire time.


Stay cool out there ladies and gents.

♥,
C.

Dear IWantToConvertThisRecipeforaSmallerBatchofCookies,

What are you thinking? Math? You haven't successfully used math skills in 6+ years. Just because you are missing a significant amount of a significant ingredient, doesn't mean you can magically convert the entire recipe to make a fourth of a batch. Your delicious espresso cookies just became mounds of chocolate and coffee. Here's a hint: 1/4 of 3 tbls ≠ 2.25 tbls. Ever. Next time, how about too much sugar instead of too much espresso.

Also, how genius of you to eat all that (strong) coffee the night before your work week starts. You'll never sleep again.


♥,
C.

Dear Grammatically Challenged,

I know I am a far-from-perfect writer and my verbal grammar is even more of a disaster, but let me clarify something for you--

"I could care less" isn't the phrase you are looking for. It means you do care. Sure, it doesn't imply that you care a significant amount, but regardless, there is room for you to "care less."

"I couldn't care less" is what you mean. Care factor: absolutely zero. You couldn't possibly care any less because there is nothing less than how much you care!

Yes, certain Ivy League folks have argued  that Option 1 is being clever, witty, and other nonsense. But let's be real, even if it were true that some people use it in this way to be ironic, you did not know about this... you used to phrase because you thought it was correct.

Given your position and the context in which you used the phrase, I'm assuming you were some kind of journalism or lit major. For some reason this makes the entire situation way more sad for me. The college kids of your generation are the reason the college kids of mine are jobless.



♥,
C.

Dear ALB,

I finally mailed your letter.

You should be getting it in about 2 weeks, depending on how fast the ponies feel like trotting. 

♥ ♥ ♥ ,
C.